Holy Crap! This is going be a long one again:) A lot has happened over the last four months and I have been absolutely horrible at keeping this page updated. Oh, but not now! I’m currently an unemployed wiener with nothing to do, so it’s about time I do something.

I got home the middle of November, but before that I travelled to the U.K. where I met my sister and her friend Amy. The flight there went O.K. I got asked a million questions by the Pakistani customs officer, like I was a terrorist or something. He asked me what I did for a living like three times….LIKE WRITE IT DOWN BUDDY! Anyways, it took me forever to get through…yea and I am supposed to be with the commonwealth?! I had to rush to find Trisha and Amy and from London we immediately rushed for our flight to Edinburgh.

Well, once off the plane we had no troubles getting to our “Hotel.” The reason that the word hotel is in quotation marks, is that is was a super dump. A three bedroom room consisted of a double bed and a single bed. EWWWWWWW, I had to sleep with somebody:) We got to the hotel on a real cool double Decker bus that had designer plaid seats and the cutest old man bus driver (I mean he could have been Sean Connery) with the funniest accent:)

We spent two days in Edinburgh and in those two days, my goal was to make Amy shit her pants:) We went on a few haunted walks. The first one was of the haunted vaults under the south gate bridge. “EDINBURGH’S underground vaults have been described as one of the most haunted places in the world.” Although the only thing that scared me was the fear of someone cutting le fromage in such a confined space:) Amy??? The next one we did was with live actors. It was with witchery tours where we visited the scenes of many “horrific tortures, murders and supernatural happenings.” ooooooooooooooooooo. The groups were introduced, and when your group was called out, you were supposed to make an animal noise, so Amy made a cat in heat sound. Everyone was like “What the hell was that?” They eventually figured it out:) Our guide was the hottest man alive, so needless to say, we did not get too scared. He was a younger, hotter, version of Ryan Philippe. Amy spent the night trying to impress him and grabbing the "Jumper-ooters” (or “outers” as Canadians would say) ass. We got to chatting with the guy in between his stories. One of the guys lost his finger (a fake one was thrown out into the crowd) and Amy failed to see that, so when he asked “Give me the finger?” She ended up popping the bird at him. All the old ladies were giggling at us:) Well, those were our crazy nights in the mighty city of Edinburgh.

The days we spent looking at some cute stuff in gift shops, and doing a little bit of a walking tour. We saw this cute shirt that had bagpipes on it and it said “Blow Me.” I wanted to buy it but Trisha thought that mom would not think that it is appropriate, so I ended up getting a shirt that said “I’m a weeeeee devil on it.” I also got a lambs wool plaid scarf. We saw some monuments and the Castle, which was extremely over priced so we didn’t go in. We also saw the new Parliament building which was super modern looking and a nice cliff behind it that you could hike up. Trisha was not feeling that adventurous after our whiskey testing (no that was later). We went into this tartan weaving shop to see how kilts are made. We tried on some cute hats and took some pictures and further down the aisle the sign reads “absolutely no pictures while trying on garments.” We were like “holy crap….lets get the hell out of here.” They have to do a better job at posting the signs…anyways the illegal pictures turned out fabulously:) We ate at some nice taverns on the Royal Mile. The first place we went to was Deacan Brodies. It was great greasy food and good beer. But man, what is with the energy efficient toilets? O.K. I’m an environmentalist, but how much energy are they really saving when I have to flush it like 10 times? There must have only been like 0.25 L of water in it and on top of that it took 30 min to refill up the tank…. And that was ALL over the U.K. One time, at lunch Amy couldn’t figure out how to flush the toilet so she called for reinforcements, so I was trying to help her and the owner pushed us in and closed the door….like how rude?

What would be the U.K. without a stop at a tea room? Oh, YA BABY…we went to Clarinda’s Tea Room where I had the most wicked hot chocolate with COLOURED marshmallows and a yummy slice of apple pie:)

Now it is time for the WILD AND SEXY HAGGIS TOUR!!!!! This is highly recommended:) It was a three day tour all over the sexy highlands of SCOTLAND, and it was, in fact, SUPER SEXY!! We had two Scottish guides called Disco Dave and Ferggie. They had a great sense of humour and played pretty cool music in our hopping bright yellow Mercedes tour bus. These guys entertained us with” stories of myth, legend and history” as we twisted our way around some of the sexiest places in Scotland. Did you know that for every person who lives in the highlands there are four sheep?

From Edinburgh, our first destination was Stirling where we saw the William Wallace monument. It was a nice hike up the path but the view from the top was well worth it. Breathtaking! Ooooooooo awwwwwwwwww. There was a joke with the tour guides. They say all tourists take a picture of the William Wallace statue, and it is the ugliest thing alive. It isn’t even William Wallace. It’s Mel Gibson. So they told us not to take a picture of that or we would be punished. MUHAHAHAHA! Well, I of course had to sneak a picture for shits and giggles:) Trisha and Amy posed with Mel while they were popping the bird at him and I snapped the shot. Well, the guides, of course, caught me. I could hear them honking the horn at me and I looked over and they were waving their plastic sword at me:) I almost had to pick something from the mystery bin (rubbage bin heheh or garbage can as Canadians would say). That was the joke, if you were the last one on the bus (after the given time limit) you had to do it with your eyes closed and then guess what kind of mystery you picked up. Well, at least it worked because no one was that late.

We then headed to Glencoe where we saw the three sisters (some very nice mountains). We also meet the very sexy hairy coo, Hamish (hairy cow as Canadians would say). Hamish definitely puts the ‘Sexy’ in ‘Wild & Sexy'.

We then headed off the beaten track (literally all the roads in the highlands were one lane and you had to pull off the road to let oncoming traffic pass) to Fort William which is home to Ben Nevis (Britain’s highest mountain). We then saw a clansmen show, which was interesting. A guy showed us what life was like in the good old days. How they dressed, ate, hunt, and lived. There was an interesting kilt demonstration. Watching a guy in our tour group take off his pants may have been a highlight to some people in the group; it certainly wasn’t mine as his nickname was “Troll”--for a good reason. Anyways, it was interesting to see how they made a kilt. I had no idea that they used so much material and that there were so many different ways of wearing it. I think the material they used in the demonstration was 18 metres. Before settling in for the night, we stopped for some snacks and whiskey testing:) Then, we were off to Kyleakin where we spent the night at Saucy Mary’s Lodge. We were told that Saucy Mary obtained her name from flashing her “paps” (or boobies) at fisherman. We tried to get a pitcher of beer at this lodge and the bartender was all confused “A picture?” After we said it was a lot of beer, she was like “ahhhh, you mean a ‘JUG!’” So that was our first experience with the culture gap:) Anyways, this lodge was nice and cozy and it was located on the Isle of Skye (which has a thriving Gaelic culture), so we were ready for a full day of exploring the Isle the next day.

First stop of the day was Eilean Donan Castle (the most photographed castle in Scotland) which we missed the previous day because we got there at 5 pm and it closed at 4:30 pm. We were unlucky in one sense because the second attempt at visiting the inside of the castle was unsuccessful. What a bummer, eh? The storm the previous night had knocked out all the power lines, so it was closed again. Although, we were lucky because we were now able to see the outside of the castle in daylight as it was pitch black on our previous visit. We were very fortunate indeed because often the views are obscured by rain and mist. “But on a bright day, particularly in autumn when the colors are so warm and varied, Scotland can boast of no more picturesque castle.”

While in Kyleakin we stopped and saw kilt rock and saw some marvelous hills and waterfalls. We were given some very funny stories of Celtic myths and legends. He “heard all about the Faeries and the Selkies, and local characters who have contributed to the rich history of this magical island.” We travelled along the banks of the loch Ness to see if we could spot Nessie. I’m sorry to say, that there were no sightings and the only monster I saw was Trisha when she got up in the morning:) We even preformed the Nessie call to attract the beast (which was signing a stupid song and dancing in a line). We stopped at the Nessie exhibition for a snack and then saw the scenic ruins of Urquhart Castle.

We then headed towards Inverness, which is the capital of the Scottish highlands. From there we visited the Clava Cairns. These puppies are older then the pyramids. WOW! They are about 4000 years old and are some of the “best preserved burial mounds on the Scottish mainland.” There were three main mounds at the site and two of them had passageways leading into them. The whole tour group piled into one in order to perform a very sexy ritual which consisted of dancing around in circles holding hands and singing silly songs. Yea we did that a lot, eh?

Next, we headed for the gloomy Culloden Moor, which was the sight of the defeat of Bonne Prince Charlie’s Jacobite uprising. We went for a ‘wee’ walk around the grounds and saw some tombs of the clans and flags where both sides were stationed. We began our journey home and headed south to Dunkeld where we saw a nice cathedral. The last sexy site before we returned to Edinburgh was the Forth Bridge.

Holy crap! That was all Scotland. I was hoping to do this all in one shot but I guess I will post this now, so that it is not too long:) Stay tuned for London, Wales, and my return to Canada…